In my last post, I mentioned it's been 6 years since I last blogged and this particular life update is one of the reasons I buried my head in the sand.
The shame. The pain. The weight. A blog announcement?
The isolation. The loneliness. The sadness. A blog announcement?
I can't count how many times I sat behind the computer to draft this post and, before I could type anything, tears would blur my vision. To clarify, I did not cry for the marriage I chose to end but rather, for the weight of failure I felt I had to carry.
The {neat} freaks come out at night.
I couldn't sleep; thoughts deeply rooted in my anxiety kept me awake. To combat my insomnia, I incorporated a nightly cleaning of my little condo. I used this time to focus and to pray. I remember talking out loud to God. I remember praying for peace within those walls. I remember playing out scenarios in my head while I hand-scrubbed my floors. Not only was my condo spotless and organized, but I would receive answers and peace before going to sleep. Sometimes, busying the body is the key to quieting the mind.
Distance made our hearts grow fonder.
Munch and I processed the loss of the 'life we thought we'd always have' nearly 1,000 miles from our family. We navigated a new normal without our usual support system. The distance between us and our family made us look inward and to one another; we formed a new unbreakable bond. We became living proof that what was sent to destroy us made us stronger. Sometimes, everything you need to heal is right at home.
Lessons learned.
I learned I am not what happened to me. My divorce served as another reminder of how hard life can be; plans are never set in stone... like, ever. No matter how crazy things seemed, only I choose who I am; I refuse to let what happened to me define me. I am more than the storms I've survived.
I learned it's important to accept help. People helped me in ways I didn't even think to ask. One friend paid for the moving company when Munch and I relocated. I had friends fly in to help me move and to help make my tiny condo feel like home. I'm so grateful God sent people into my life to reflect His love on us in more ways than I can count. Oh, and speaking of count...
I learned to count my wins. Every day, and even in the smallest ways, I counted the things that went well in my life. Showered? Win. Combed my hair? Win. Fell asleep without crying? Win. Survived a holiday in my new normal? Win. The act of counting my wins opened my eyes and my heart to practicing gratitude. It reminded me that life is never all bad and that helped me feel better - like, almost normal (even if only for a moment).
I learned to invest in myself. The residual rewards of pouring into myself - with time, with money, and with self-care - were felt long after the immediate moment or act. In that season, few things felt as good as making myself a priority.
Better because of it.
My divorce, as bone-crushing and earth-shattering as it was, made me better.
I'm a better Christian. I'm a better mom. I'm a better daughter, sister, and friend. I'm a better Tabitha.
Islanders, isn't that the testimony we all want at the end of the hard stuff? What's the point of it all if it doesn't make us any better?
So, I think I'm finally ready to type the words. For real. Ok. Here we go.
I'm divorced.
... and I fought hard... and I probably won't talk about it much... and I grieved the loss of a piece of my [in-law] family who I loved dearly... and I don't know what I'm going to do with all the content on this e-diary from years when I was married... and I have experienced new beautiful love... and I am still learning to navigate life in this chapter...
It wasn't in my plan, but I thank God it happened because things have shaped up to be better than I ever could've imagined.
Stay tuned,
