Friday, August 14, 2015

All's Well That Starts Awkwardly, Right?

You guys have shared this roller coaster ride of emotions as we process my first-time auntie experience.  You've shared in the following highlights:

Attending the gender reveal as a guest:

Processing the weird paternal auntie feelings and boundaries:

Having the baby shower planning discussion:

Executing the surprise baby shower:

We've shared a lot of this experience but we haven't discussed some of the other events that transpired... like the time I got in my feelings on Facebook and didn't care who saw.  Oh, wait. I didn't tell you about that.  Well, what had happened was...

No one from the paternal side had seen or really heard much of the nursery (plans or appearance). My mom and I discussed it but quickly established no one wanted to overstep those unspoken boundaries so we respected her their privacy.  One morning, I logged into Facebook.  The first post I saw was one from Ryan's step-mom and it read, "Fixing up and doing little things for peanuts arrival" - Feeling excited.

In the comments, I noticed a picture.  This picture:

Now, Islanders. *deep breaths* You know this whole paternal 'sit-by-the-wayside-and-wait-to-be-told' thing is hard for me.  But, seriously.  Did the other grandma just try to come for me?  Is she trying to test my ability to sit by this li'l wayside and hum a tune while the activities in preparation for my nephew pass me by?  Is she rubbing it in my face that she is able to help and I'm over here on the sidelines?  I mean, you tell me.  Who ELSE would be as interested as I to see a gallery wall set-up spread out on the floor in that - wait. is that the nursery?  Oooh, did she buy a new rug?  *squints* Is that white a dresser?  A changing table?  What, I can't see... if I just -- ugh.

She posted that for me and I am certain of it in my head.  Now, I've been doing a good job NOT getting in the way or repeatedly offering to help but, in this moment, I was compelled to say (type) something.

Don't even look at me like that. Yes, I said it.  It's not that bad!  Only you know I MEANT to type, "look here, grandma!  Let's just settle this once and for all.  This baby will come and, in case you don't know my track record, outside of his parents, I'm going to be his favorite person in the frikkin' world.  You should stay on my good side because I, psycho auntie, am NOT the one." but I didn't. Be proud of me, Islanders.  Because I wanted to.

She LIKED my comment then leaked images of the maternity photo shoot in the comment thread.  Yes, I said leaked as in shared something that was not yet public information!!  You still don't believe she was messing with me?!  Come on, whose side are you on?!

In that moment, you couldn't tell me otherwise.  Sure, NOW I can think with a clear head and NOW I know she is just super excited and wants to brag about her grandchild on the way and NOW I totally get it... and I forgive her for that.  In that moment, however, I was just so bothered I didn't know how to process NOT being allowed to partake in the process.  This is me, rebelling against the wayside.

Fast forward to a few days after the shower...

 Ryan and I spoke about the shower on Facebook messenger.  She was grateful, excited and overwhelmed.  She wished for more time to enjoy that moment.  She loved the dress and said she "felt like a fairy princess" in it.  The conversation was brief but nice.  The following morning (as I was oversleeping for work), I received a text message.  I rolled over and saw this:

Can you see it?  It's a message.  From Ryan.  Asking what I think about the nursery.  My nephew's nursery.  My nephew's nursery that I had not yet seen. Ever.

Is that a picture?  I sat up and quickly swiped my phone to see the message.

"What do you think? A little more rustic than originally planned but..."

I responded and it hit me.  She asked me what I thought?  Me?! OMG.  ME?!  My thoughts?

Another pic.  OMG! He has books and clothes and shelves in his closet.  It was overwhelming.  I cried.  No, I ugly cried.  When I didn't think it could get more overwhelming, she sent another message.

"I have one more wall to go...

might need suggestions."

I flopped back on my pillows.  I couldn't stand it.  I -- I was done.  Crying like a baby.

Progress.  I had officially received an invite to participate and to enjoy and to be an auntie before he arrived.

Yep.  Oh, ideas. Yea Yea... I don't know yet. I'm still basking in the warmth of auntie status... I'm sure I'll have an idea for that wall, Islanders.  Just bear with me, okay?  This was so much BIGGER than a wall.

Yes, it was an ugly cry and I don't feel ashamed about it!


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