Munch and Chazzy August 19, 2012
Today is a day I wish I didn't have to face. My blog is all about celebrating life's milestones... You know, taking holidays, birthdays, everydays and turning them into a party. You may recall this time last year I was elated with the news of God baby's arrival (here).
I planned a beautiful baby shower (here, here, here, here and featured in Baby Lifestyles Magazine here).
I painted a beautiful nursery:
I spray painted her crib to be the perfect shade of pink:
I took maternity photos (more here):
Deb, the girls and I had our own secret society; we truly believed no one on Earth was as excited as we were. We would excitedly chatter about how life would be with god baby on our hips. I would have to fight with the girls to feel her move, I would fuss with Chazzy over whether her baby sister could stay the night, Munch was all in for changing diapers... If no one else was making plans, WE were making plans.
Playing a game with Uncle Dave Aug 19, 2012
Giving Pop-Pop high fives for becoming a great big sister.
Waving by to the family after dinner
On the eve of our induction, the four of us (Deb, the girls and I) had a teleconference. Deb was feeling great and tomorrow was the day! We hung up and happy danced for a LOOOONG time; god baby was coming!
None of us could sleep so we played Uno and had a late night snack.
Finally well after midnight, the house was quiet. I glanced into my gift bag for god baby... "Shoot, don't forget to buy her first bible and to confirm the date of her christening with Dad... O, put the camera in the bag... Her first birthday party will be awesome... I should get to planning..."
I dozed off dreaming of god mommy stuff...
I received a phone call at 6 o'clock in the morning on August 20. Three doctors tried but god baby's heartbeat could not be found. Deb and Chaz arrived for the induction and there was no sign of life.
I rushed to my friends' side. I called Sheena on the way into the hospital. She calmed me saying that my friend needs me and that I had to be strong. We hung up as I entered the elevator. I said a quick prayer (one of many that day) and suddenly, it hit me.
My job as god mommy was to become a pillar of strength for my friend and for her family. I had to handle business... There are questions that come with a situation like this you never would imagine answering...
I had to get those answers. I had to be the POC for the medical staff... to orchestrate photos... to bring food... to help my friend... to ask difficult questions.
...To remain focused and strong. To hold Chaz's and Deb's hand and pray before delivery... For strength, for healing, for peace... To hold my friend after she held our baby. To push aside my deep sadness in the best interest of those around me. To lean on God while others leaned on me.
It's been one year since that day... One year since those tears... One year since I spent a week driving to my friend's home early in the morning, climbing in her bed and laying in silence while holding her hand until close to midnight. One year since the same nursery I was excitedly pulling together would give me a knot in my throat and a pain in my stomach upon every entry since; it's just not the same:
Her middle name...
The book we got for Chazzy...
Despite the sadness, God proved himself faithful once again. He brought us through that day and has given us a bond our families will always have. Deborah, in her walk, has shown me that happiness is a choice.
Today, I find peace in knowing that we gave Chandler all the love we could during the amazing months of expectation and I choose to have joy everyday.
My post I dedicated to her last year still holds true today... Check it out here.